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Is It Really Mismatched Libidos?

You need to ask yourself: Is it really a matter of you and your partner having different libidos or is "mismatched libidos" a convenient diagnosis to a deeper unresolved relationship issue? 

According to Michele Weiner Davis' book The Sex Starved Marriage, one in every three married couples struggles amid problems associated with mismatched libidos. Obviously this statistic piqued my interest enough to want to write about it. Interestingly enough while doing my research a common thread became apparent. That is most of the time mismatched libidos have little or nothing to do with sex. 

I've put together a list of nine typical libido-dampeners. See if you fit into any of these categories.

(1) Body issues

One person does not like their body and feels uncomfortable having their partner touch them—propelling them to avoid sex. Conversely, one partner no longer finds the other desirable after a gain in weight.

(2) Prolonged unresolved issues or arguments

There is nothing that can throw a big wet blanket over a sizzling sex-drive faster than bottled up anger.

(3) Power struggles that result in passive-aggressive tendencies

This is a big one. Money and sex can bring out raw feelings of lack of control that translate to unspoken power struggles. When one person feels they do not have any control or power they show their power in other ways.

For example, the more one lady gave into her husband's demand for sex, the more intentionally messy she would make and leave their house.

Or the more one partner "bugged" the other to have sex, the more the other silently shut down, dug in their heels and refused—turning into the classic, "Not tonight honey I've got a headache."

Or one partner declared they would be watching for how many times the other initiates sex. (Now there’s a big turn on?!?!?)

(4) Big points of unrest and change like receiving a promotion, having a baby, or moving

It makes sense with change comes disruption to what was once an orderly routine. People then struggle to make new habits around their sexual practices. Unfortunately because the disruption in the bedroom usually is not discussed the couple is thrown headfirst into disconnecting mismatched libido habits.

(5) Boring sex (a.k.a. being stuck in a rut and not willing to try new things)

The repertoire of sexual tricks a person brings into a new relationship is usually pretty limited. Once that bag of tricks gets used up the sex is like eating the same meal for supper every night. Doggie style again? Yawn. Great!?!?!?

(6) The natural ebb and flow of life.

In the wise words of John Grey's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, sometimes men and women go into caves or become rubber bands and just want some time alone. Over time it gets tricky and often discouraging to align two people's ebbs and flows.

That is why long-term relationships relying solely on libido and spontaneous sex never work.

(7) Different priorities

Day-to-day stresses of life means the focus and priority is taken off our significant other and put on other things. Then once every couple of weeks the pair feebly tries to reconnect with fifteen minutes of rushed sex. After time the sex becomes less and less appealing and the other priorities are more fulfilling.

(8) Birth Control Pill

Too many women lose their libido from being on the pill. In fact, there is a new study being conducted to find out if long-term use of the pill negatively affects a women's libido for the rest of her life. Scary stuff.

(9) Health problems like depression, medical issues, or surgery.

While going through something where the body is compromised and/ or medication must be taken, understandably sex is not even on that person's radar.

This list is probably only the tip of the iceberg. The point I am trying to make is every couple faces hard life issues. A couple who did not receive the manual on marriage flounder, feel helpless and naturally want to give their situation a diagnosis.

The libido diagnosis is easy and convenient. Proactively dealing with the hard life issues is difficult. So many couples take the easy route and put their focus on the bedroom dilemmas instead of the real, deeper issues. Yet when a couple deals with the tough situations head on, they form a stronger bond which will translate to more intimacy. More intimacy equals more sex. Libido is no longer the issue.

Perhaps in your relationship one partner really does have an über-high libido or absolutely zilch. Chances are though that a mismatched libido is no more than a disparity in your relationship that needs to be worked through.

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Sex With An Ex

“Experience is the name everybody gives to their mistakes.” Oscar Wilde

There you are, sitting alone on a Saturday night, eating stale Doritos and watching old re-runs of Seinfeld you have already seen seven times. It would not be so bad except you have an itch—a sexual itch, that is—in need of scratching.

You start flipping through your brain’s Rolodex and realize, other than the slightly creepy person in accounting who flirts with you, there are no real prospects on the horizon. Big time Bridget Jones–loser feelings start seeping into your every pore. Panic ensues.

Your mind wanders back to the sex you had with your last partner. Instead of remembering all the reasons you broke up, you start obsessing about their soft, warm body up against yours in your nice cozy bed.

Without thinking, you pick up the phone. They answer. You try to make some small talk but it is of no use. You ask them to come over for a “drink”. Both of you know that is code for, “Let’s have sex at least three times tonight.”

Your legs are raw from twitching when they finally arrive. In a mad haze to rip each other’s clothes off, there is little or no thought given to consequences. Your itch is about to be scratched…hopefully they will sleep over as an added bonus.

Sex with an ex: good idea to keep your sexual juices flowing during the transition time, or bad mistake that will keep you messed up for a longer period of time? As every breakup is different, doing some analysis might save you heartache when your libido takes over your brain.

First, know you are not some freakoid because you want to have sex with the exact same person you spent days (maybe weeks) getting all bent out of shape over after the breakup. Sex can comfortably numb the I’m-a-big-fat-loser worries, pain and panic in the short term. It is convenient and semi-reliable.

As well, yours is an established relationship, so all the preamble of getting to know each other and weirdness of seeing each other naked does not exist. Your ex is (hopefully) clean of any STDs. Also, you might have gone through a lot together and, on some level, only they can understand you.

Now let’s look at the other side of this equation. Never fool yourself. As much as you want to believe that sex is simply sex and nothing more, the act of sex is a ticking bomb of many emotions waiting to go off.

To start with, count the time elapsed since your separation. The fresher the breakup, the stronger both your favorable and angry emotions for this person will be. Conversely, the longer time your relationship has been over and done with, the better chance those dormant emotions will be jolted back to life.

Be clear in this confused moment. The need for sex can be a clever cover for a need of an emotional reconnection with another human being.

If the sex is good (i.e. deep emotional connection), you may wonder why you broke up in the first place. Due to these confused emotions, it is easy to start playing the “come here/go away” game, and moving on may take a lot longer than necessary.

Next is being okay with the hardcore reality of your situation. Before you have sex, are you willing to reestablish safe sex practices? Or are you in denial that your partner is not messing around behind your back?

Are you ready, in the aftermath of your sex, when your ex starts exhibiting the traits that had you breaking up with them in the first place? Know that you will most likely feel empty and unfulfilled because, after they leave, you will again be partnerless.

What if they never call you back and, shamefaced, you realize you were simply their booty call for the evening? Speaking of which, are you mentally prepared for the eventuality when your ex tells you they have moved on to their next partner?

If you are all right with all of this then go ahead have tons of protected sex with your ex. If not, take a long cold shower or slap on a chastity belt when you feel your resolve wearing thin. Do whatever it takes to stop you from calling them.

One great thing that comes out of having sex with an ex is the valuable lesson learned. Ultimately satisfying an urge at the sacrifice of self worth is never worth it—yes, even if the sex is amazing.

Samantha Jones, the infamous character from “Sex and the City,” put it best: “Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it's good you can't get it anymore, if it's bad you just had sex with an ex.”

Dr. Trina is an author, sought after regular television and radio show guest, spokesperson, magazine columnist, former national sex newspaper columnist and internationally acclaimed speaker. Go to: http://www.bestsextipsever.com/ for your free Dr. Trina’s Sex Audio Tip. Or to for more great and informative articles go to: http://www.trinaread.com/articles/.

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Sexual Anorexia

For two years my personal coach enthusiastically recommended Dr. David Schnarch's Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships as a staple in my sex library. Finally fed up with my procrastination, he bought me a copy which went promptly to the bottom of my ten foot high cue of on-the-go books.

My coach was right (as usual). I am sorry it took me this long to "discover" this brilliant gem of a book. By no means an easy read, it is in my opinion one of the best books out there on how to keep a deeply committed relationship on track.

One of the many concepts Dr. Schnarch writes about is how we treat sexual drive in the same manner as we do eating, like it is a basic biological drive. In his twenty-some years of marriage counseling, many a couple has come to him with the complaint of their relationship being sexually anorexic. That is their sexual needs were being starved within the couple.

An apparent contrarian, Schnarch turns this concept of sexual anorexia on its head by writing, "Superficially, the common idea that sex is a natural biological drive seems reasonable. After all, isn't sex drive a function of hormones? Isn't sex encoded in all animals? If sex drive weren't 'normal,' wouldn't our species die out?"

Okay, I was intrigued by his statement. Reading further Schnarch enmeshes me in a sexual whodunit, "We don't realize that seeing sex as a 'drive' makes us focus on relieving sexual tensions rather than wanting our partner."

At this point I am a little confused but bravely press on, "if that's the only reason you think your partner wants to be with you it tends to kill sex and intimacy in marriage. Focusing on desire as motivation for sex overlooks the many couples who struggle to increase desire (passion) during sex."

I had to read that last sentence over a few times to let it sink in. I suggest you do the same.

Now I am really bewildered. Could Schnarch believe that equating sex as a biological drive mean getting your rocks off with any old person will do because it is simply fulfilling an urge? And that sex in this ideal diminishes the ability to find true vulnerability (i.e. passion) because it is about an urge and nothing to do with intimacy. Hmm. Interesting.

The next obvious question for me then becomes how does sexual anorexia or sexual starvation fit into this sex as a biological drive theory?

Well there's more, "Until couples go beyond viewing sex as a biological drive, they presume sexual behavior is a good measure of sexual desire and orgasm always involves high arousal and satisfaction."

Aha dear Watson, I believe we are getting warmer to solving the mystery. I know, met and have coached many a couple who consistently orgasm during their sexual experience and yet completely lack in sexual intimacy or eroticism. They come to me wanting to learn more "techniques" to bump up their sexual satisfaction.

I am always sorry to tell them deep sexual satisfaction does not work like that. 101 sexual positions, techniques on oral or manual sex are always fun to learn and necessary to mix things up but they do not equate to passion or intimacy.

With that said, let's review Schnarch's anorexic concept, shall we?

Western couples have been taught the whole point of having sex is to achieve orgasm. Hence, in their sexual socialization they learn the most pleasurable and expedient techniques on how to reach the orgasmic goal with a partner. More often than not, with this limited knowledge their lovemaking patterns turn into the classic busy-couple-hurried-sex: Get on, get in, orgasm, get off now go to sleep.

What is not emphasized in our culture is teaching couples about making a deeper emotional connection. Sadly, men are socialized to do just the opposite. In fact, being open, vulnerable and transparent in the bedroom is one of life's hardest lessons. When the deeper connection is not there, people have emotionally shallow sexual experiences.

When we see our sexual union as a means to an orgasmic end instead of an opportunity to share this most vulnerable place with another human being, it becomes simply a physical act. In becoming a physical act, there is very little to no fulfillment. Without fulfillment, the couple slowly starts to emotionally "starve", become disillusioned and draw away from their partner into themselves.

Enough years of this dynamic, the couple ends up on Dr. Schnarch's counseling couch blaming the other person for their sexual anorexia.

Case solved. Well, the sexual anorexia case anyways. The "so what?" of how to manage this pandemic will have to wait for a future columns as I have run out of precious newspaper space.

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Romance Novel Sex

Ah, my first romance novel. I was 14 years old, reading my very first sex scene in the back of my parent's station wagon heading towards our family summer vacation. My face was eight shades of scarlet and I kept looking over my book at my brothers, sister, father and step-mom with shifty eyes certain they knew what I was reading. I remember holding my breath for entire sex passages and reading the "good stuff" over and over again.

Like many women, Harlequin romances were my introductory sex education manuals. In the year 2005, studies have taken this concept a step further to say women who often or always read romance novels are less likely to divorce. Ladies here is a great reason to actively read smut, and often.

Apparently, Harlequin romance novels sell 160 million copies per year with 53% of all mass-market paperback books sold being Romances. In fact, romance novels earn more money in the USA yearly than their national pastime sport of baseball.

I in turn have a love/ hate relationship with romance novels. So here is the good, the bad and the ugly on this genre of book.

The good. Romance novels provide entertainment, pleasure, escapism, a chance to relax, and an opportunity for the reader to use their imagination. Romances are usually about healthy relationships thus offering readers optimism and hope for their own.

The heroines in romance novels can be excellent role models: they are strong, smart characters possessing tons of moxy, and refuse to be any man's doormat. These women courageously tackle their problems head-on, are risk-takers and hold fast to their convictions.

I also am an advocate of romance novels because they get a woman's sexual juices flowing. A friend gave me a great idea that I like to share with other women. She keeps an erotica book in her bathroom ensuite for those times when she comes home exhausted and still wants to have sex. When things start to get going in her bedroom, she excuses herself for a couple of pages of erotica and then she is ready to roll.

The bad. I do not like romance novels because they set-up unrealistic expectations about how a woman should be in bed.

It would seem no matter what kind of day the heroine has had, if she is tired to the bone, filthy from fighting off pirates, she is still able to immediately shut off her brain and turn on her body. I have read many passages like, "After our three day adventure in the jungle, when I saw him my body started to smolder. Where he touched me left burning marks of desire waiting and wanting to be touched there some more."

Most women I know, when they come home after a hard day of fighting pirates just want to take a nice hot bath and go to sleep. Also, I wonder how in lust couple this now blissful couple will be in three years when life, work and other commitments have taken over.

The ugly. I cringe every single time I read a passage describing the heroine having a mind-blowing orgasm the instant her hero enters her. I have read countless passages describing sex as some kind of explosion, "As his rock hard mound of steel penetrated me, my body shuttered and spasmed and I lost control of myself in his manliness."

If you have ever had sex, you will know this is pure fiction, a falsity on how the average woman's biology works. Perhaps you are thinking this is no-brainer information. Sadly, in the top five questions I receive from women it would be: I can have a clitoral orgasm but I still cannot seem to have a vaginal orgasm. Can you please tell me how I can have vaginal orgasms too?

Let me set the record straight. Only a small percentage of the female population can have a vaginal orgasm; most women can only have a clitoral orgasm.

In an effort to understand why writers keep producing this mythical rubbish, I took my sex scene beef to the source. While at the 2004 Surrey Writer's Conference, I asked a gaggle of romance chick-lit writers why they do not write more realistic sex scenes. They simply looked at me as if I had three heads. Their retort back was, "How could I possibly let my mother read a realistic sex scene after I have written it?"

I guess the conclusion is to read many romance novels and absolutely enjoy every single minute. However while reading understand this book is a work of fiction - real life and sexual relationships usually do not work that way.

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Monogamy: Then and Now

“Marriage, if it is to survive, must be treated as the beginning, not as the happy ending….” Federico Fellini

In my grandparents’ day—that is, two generations or about eighty years ago—monogamy was pretty black and white. A guy and a gal would meet, start to date, become engaged and get married. Dating a lot, especially for a woman, put a question mark on a person’s moral character.

In those days, it was never a question of “if” this couple would become partnered for the rest of their lives (happy or not); rather, it was more a question of “when”. Plus, it was scandalous if the couple chose to get a divorce.

Cities and attitudes grew and, by the 1950s, the trend of dating started. Smokey Robinson said it best when he sang, “My momma told me you better shop around.” Parents and teenagers came to understand that it was healthy to date, test the relationship waters and have a couple of broken hearts before settling down. Yet the single most important thing was to find a mate before turning twenty.

Then came the Baby Boomers and their rebellious free-love movement of the 1970s. Although anonymous sex certainly was not for everyone, there were enough people jumping on the sex-drugs-and-rock’n’roll bandwagon to make it more acceptable. Monogamy in the 1970s came to mean, “I’m going to have a whole lot of fun, and then I will settle down with one person for the rest of my life.”

But “the rest of my life” seemed to scare a lot of this group and there grew a different sensibility with monogamy. Living together became the popular monogamous option of, “I do not know if I can commit to you, but let’s give it a go and see how it turns out.” Or, if the couple did decide to get married and it ended up unhappy, divorce became the alternative to staying in a loveless marriage like that of their parents.

By the 1980s, this trend ended up creating what is called serial monogamy. Serial monogamy is when a person is in an exclusive monogamous relationship for a period of time, decides the relationship is not for them, ends the relationship and looks for a new relationship. In effect, it is relationship-jumping. What makes it acceptable is there is no overlap (like adultery) but a distinct start and finish to the relationship.

In my opinion serial monogamy has created a nation of very picky people. I refer to it as Seinfeld Syndrome. In the TV show “Seinfeld,” all four characters would nitpick every little thing that was wrong about the people they were dating. For example, one of Seinfeld’s girlfriends had “man-hands” and he obsessed about her inadequacies until eventually he “had to” break up with her.

Seinfeld Syndrome has created a nation of disposable dating in that if a potential partner does not make the grade, there is always someone better around the corner.

In the new millennium, I see the monogamous trend changing into open relationships. An open relationship is based on two people having a primary relationship and still able to seek sexual variety outside of that relationship.

Open relationships are still very underground and lowly regarded because they do not follow the rules of serial monogamy. Those rules being it is okay to date and have multiple sex partners, but only if there is a definite break between relationships.

Even though open relationships are underground, they are prolific. The most common question I am asked by forty-something couples is around “swinging”. Their motivation to ask is mostly out of curiosity and titillation. When I probe as to why they are interested, their response is they do not want to get a divorce but are not happy with their present sex life.

To give a sense of how this trend is picking up momentum, in Calgary, conservatively speaking, there are at least a few thousand couples engaging in some type of open relationship. In bigger centers like Vancouver or Seattle, the number jumps to tens of thousands.

The question now is what is the happy medium? Obviously there are pros and cons to both meeting one person and making it work regardless and being able to “shop till you drop” until meeting the right one. As well, can Canadians ever be able to accept open relationships as a normal part of a couple’s sexual life?

One thing is certain: monogamy has changed dramatically over the last eighty years.

Dr. Trina is an author, sought after regular television and radio show guest, spokesperson, magazine columnist, former national sex newspaper columnist and internationally acclaimed speaker. Go to: http://www.bestsextipsever.com/ for your free Dr. Trina’s Sex Audio Tip. Or to for more great and informative articles go to: http://www.trinaread.com/articles/.

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Cheating is Sexy

Cheating on your significant other is dangerously sexy and fun. It is an elixir to get the juices flowing and awakens a sweet feeling of aliveness that bubbles over within. Why else would someone risk it all for a bit of sex?

Does that statement make you angry? In the Journal of Couple & Relationships Therapy 2002, the Atwood & Schwartz study revealed 45 to 55% of married women and 50 to 60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship.

The reality is there are too many unsatisfying and empty relationships. A major reason why infidelity statistics are high is people place a greater value on their careers, children, friends or hobbies than on their partner.

Consequently in today's instant gratification society, at least half of men and women are looking for a quick fix of what they need outside of their relationship. As much as you might contest it, I bet under the right conditions you would do the same thing. Many people will sheepishly confirm falling into an extramarital situation is surprisingly easy.

How can a good person with honest intentions turn out to be a cheating spouse? Think back to the when you began a new liaison.

Ahhhh, the newby-stages of a relationship: sex like bunnies and boundless euphoric energy. It is the love-drug that every person should have a hit of at least once in his or her life.

After the luster of the honeymoon phase is over and the relationship becomes "work", circumstances such as kids, overwork, financial difficulties force the couple to dog-paddle in very deep water.

This becomes the juncture where many couples instead of turning to each other for support, turn against each other. Their once perfect partner now turns into the target for all the angst, uncertainty and frustration going on in the relationship. The emotional connection is severed and not surprisingly the sex stops or is unbearably infrequent.

Somewhere along the way, feeling lonely, helpless, emotionally void and not sexy the spouse meets someone. That someone takes an interest or perhaps there is that mutual chemistry. The love-drug starts producing all of its wonderful chemicals in the brain. Not every person will act on this impulse, and yet at least half of the population does.

There you have it, a perfectly nice person having an affair and the couple is then just another infidelity statistic.

People who cheat usually do not feel good about their choice. Yet people inevitably will default to what is easy first. Plus the payoff for their actions is great because they have the love-drug pumping through their veins. So if it is easy and there is a high payoff, why wouldn't they?

Unfortunately as with any easy instant gratification, no time has been taken to figure out the cost of their actions—being too selfish to add up the devastation that will be reeked on their relationship.

What concerns me is: now that infidelity is so everyday it seems both parties are not taking responsibility for the mess that had been created inside their relationship pre-cheating.

On one side, the cheater would rather go outside the relationship to quick fix their emotional void. On the other side, many cheated-ons are so distraught they allow themselves to fall into a victim role. Being a victim equals being powerless. Trust me, especially in this kind of situation you never want to feel powerless.

Victims usually point the finger of blame at someone else. For example, women are more likely to blame the other woman for the indiscretion than to blame the cheating husband.

Another one, www.infidelitycheck.org claims a big reason for extra marital affairs is: "'Cybersex' is more than just a buzz word in today's culture. It is a danger to families and as addictive as crack cocaine without the sociological stigma. It's easy to hide and highly destructive."

Hog wash. People will seek out and find venues when their emotional needs are not being met. Hundreds more examples of infidelity finger pointing can be found in books and web articles.

The bottom line is: If you want to avoid becoming yet another statistic, you must nurture your relationship and not allow your relationship to limp along on autopilot. How?

1.  Figure out what/ who the top five priorities are in your life. Is your partner one of them? Do your actions follow through on your words?

2.  Always think of your partner in positive terms—there was a reason you decided to couple with them. Focus on what is good, instead of what is wrong or they might go and seek approval from other sources.

3.  Spend a minimum three hours a week of pure one-on-one time with your partner.

4.  Rate how easy or hard it is to communicate with difficult topics like sex, or what is bugging you. If it is hard, effectively work through your inability to communicate.

Finally, a strong partnership will usually not lead to cheating and will be better able to weather the storm if it does happen. 

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Sex Etiquette

Have you ever noticed that there is no Miss Manner's etiquette regarding the appropriate level of sex noise? What is the suitable conduct for both the listener and the maker of noise while there are sexual relations going on?

A couple months back I was staying overnight in a hotel. About 1:00 a.m. I woke up to a couple having zealous sex in the next room. It then happened again at 1:45, and then again at 3:10. As thrilled as I am about people overtly enjoying their sexuality, I do not believe it should infringe on my sleep time.

Then again that was in a hotel where the rules garnering hot and loud sex are fuzzy. It is an expected for couples to let loose at a hotel; hoping the people in the next room are heavy sleepers.

Outside of a hotel, what does the average person feel about making sex noises with other people in close proximity? My observations show two camps: the first camp is too terrified to have sex because they might make the slightest noise and everyone would know. The second camp is turned on by the adventure.

There was a group of couples who went skiing. Their rented chalet had only one bedroom and so all slept on the living room floor in sleeping bags. Jokingly, one couple started to make sex noises just as everyone was drifting to sleep. The group laughed and then went to sleep. At which point the couple followed through with silent sex. When I asked if they woke anyone up, they just smiled at me. That would be the adventuresome-type.

The question remains, how does one approach someone else on keeping their screaming to a minimum?

The first person I ever confronted was my university roommate who would often bring new loud girls home to sleep over. Between me being a light sleeper and our apartment's thin walls, I would have my very own front row seat to his goings-on.

After enough sleepless nights I challenged him: "Would you mind keeping it down when you bring guests over?"

"Huh?" was his initial response: wholehearted laughter with, "You're joking right?" being his second. There was no way my 22 year old roommate was going to quiet down an enthusiastic bedtime partner. I bought a pair of earplugs.

The next phase of my life came with having houseguests. Granted, most of my guests have been discreet. And then there have been a few that were not. This is especially awkward when the guest bedroom is directly below the master bedroom, with a heating vent connecting the two rooms.

Last summer about 2:00 a.m. I was awoken by my guests' loud sex noises. Said couple went about their business for about an hour. All the while I closed my eyes real tight and tried to go back to sleep. It did not work. In fact, it took a few more hours for me to drift back to sleep.

(Side note to this story: I was both annoyed and nevertheless in admiration as the guests have been married for over 30 years)

The next morning as I dragged my butt into the kitchen to make some blessed coffee, the couple in question came bouncing up the stairs. They were laughing, slapping and teasing one another.

I thought the black rings under my eyes and thoroughly tired demeanor would tip them off to my sleepless night. Nope. They were still in their sex induced love haze.

Having slept through the entire performance, my husband could not understand why I was miffed. He said, "You're the sex expert, shouldn't you of all people be open to folks having loud sex?"

"Yes," I repeat for a second time in this column, "I am totally in favor of people having loud sex, just not when I am trying to sleep." I then came up with an analogy, "It is the same as them going into our living room in the middle of the night and turning our TV on full blast, waking up the entire house. You just don't do it."

Yet if this couple were to come and visit again, would I mention before bedtime to keep the noise level to a minimum? I would rather stick my hand in a tank full of piranhas.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no tactful way to ask rambunctious couples to keep it down while having sex. If this should happen to you, go directly to the bathroom, roll up a wad of toilet paper and stick it in your ears. Or, even better, start having loud sex (even if you are by yourself) to drown out their noise. At least you will have fun while your waiting for your guests to finish.

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Sex Ed for Seniors

Let us talk about your grandma and grandpa having sex shall we? In recent years there has been a lot more publicity showing that people over 60 are having sex. Not only that, apparently they are enjoying it very much. (If you are in the over 60 category and want a good—okay steamy—read, "Still Doing It" edited by Joani Blank. Most excellent!)

Although Seniors are still having fun and going hog wild, unfortunately they are not always following safe sex practices.

In the last five years, Health Canada has published a concerning trend amongst people over 50 years of age. Health Canada states this category is becoming more at risk to contract HIV or AIDS. In fact in 2002, one in five AIDS cases were people over 50; this being a dramatic jump from one in nine in 1994. Health Canada statistics also show this category having 11.5 percent of the reported cases of AIDS.

It seems to me sex-ed classes need to be taught not only in high schools, but also where seniors reside.

When AIDS came to the surface in 1982, the most at risk group at the time - a.k.a. homosexual men - at once changed their lifestyle habits. Today, due to strong campaigning and education by government and non-government agencies, the average Canadian under 50 understands the importance of safe sex to guard against AIDS (whether they are following this credo or not is a completely different column).

However the senior group was never a target group for any of these organizations to educate. It was never assumed people who were getting on in years would go around having promiscuous sex. Guess we were all wrong.

Here are a few common sense answers to why this group is becoming more at risk.

Number one, as we already discussed: our society believes seniors are sexless. It feels good and safe for us to imagine grandma and grandpa sitting around in their rocking chairs, waiting for us to visit, maybe eating some ice cream. For us to imagine our grandparents having to sneak around a nursing home because the administration frowns on them having sex, is just too much for our little brains to take.

Number two: this group does not see themselves as an at-risk group. Why? Let us take a look at what sex was like in our grandparent's day. Sure, there was a bit of fooling around, but people did not switch partners and engage in casual sex the way people do today. Sure there were STDs, however the big percentage of cases were concentrated to isolated pockets of large groups of men - such as an army base. Catching an STD for the average person came as a shocking surprise. Hence their perception is what they had known as young adults: the average person is clean and STD free.

During their day the use of condoms was solely meant to ward off pregnancy. Therefore, seniors associate condom use with preventing pregnancy. Guess what? They are now past their childbearing years.

Number three: many (but certainly not all) doctors feel uncomfortable speaking to a senior about their sexual habits. Statistics show 75 percent of men aged 65 to 79 years old and 64 percent of women in the same age group say they are still sexually active.

I have spoken to a number of seniors who have asked their doctors about sexual issues and then watched as the doctor squirmed, gave a brief answer and moved on. What is most sad is a lot of seniors only feel comfortable discussing such delicate matters with their GP.

Number four: sometimes it is not easy to diagnose HIV or AIDS in the senior patient. A trend occurring is men are having sexual relations outside of their marriage, contracting HIV and giving it to their older wife. These wives have no idea and often do nothing until it is in the end stages of HIV. Since some of the symptoms of AIDS are similar to conditions related to aging, like dementia and pneumonia, doctors treating that senior may not know better to have them tested for the virus.

Number five: there is a delicate, cultural more for this generation that states the man is in charge. This generation is pre-1970s feminism and although these women are nobody's pushover, the prevailing belief is the man has the last say. If the female in the couple initiates condom usage and he says he does not want to, she will likely acquiesce to his wishes.

HIV and AIDS are still very real and spreading. If you are a devilishly sexy single over sixty engaging in some fun sexual activity, please educate yourself on safe sex practices. As they say, use it wisely or lose it. 

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Is Dressing Really the Temptress?

I was absolutely flabbergasted after reading a story in McLeans magazine entitled "Preteen Temptress" (March 2004). Patricia Pearson writes how the vixen half naked fashion look (a.k.a. Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears) is out and a more demure look of buttoned up sweaters and skirts past the knees is in style. Great. I was never really crazy about that look.

However, at the end of her piece Pearson makes a connection between the "casualness of sexual innuendo, so innocently adopted by these children" and newspaper headlines proclaiming children casually performing oral sex and consequently sometimes contracting Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). Huh?

I wrote Pearson an admittedly perturbed email to say that dress has nothing to do with a child's promiscuity. I also suggested perhaps some research on childhood sexuality should be done before she puts this kind of article in front of thousands of parents who want to do the best for their children. She wrote me a not so happy response.

Sometimes it is better just to keep my mouth shut. Especially when it comes to the murky realm of childhood sexuality. Really, whose side is the average parent going to take when it comes to their child? Probably the side of buttoned up sweaters and knee length skirts.

Why then are so many parents desperate to get advice on talking to their child about sexuality? I even have teenagers emailing asking for advice. I never answer these teenagers for fear that speaking to a person under 18 about their sexuality will get me into a whole lot of trouble. Instead I refer them to teen appropriate educational websites.

The thing that scares me about the McLeans' article is it points the finger of blame at the wrong source. In my opinion, it is not the lack of dress that is propelling children to do things before they are ready, it is a lack of sexual knowledge. If parents (yes that is parents, not schools or other educational venues) do not supply children with appropriate sex-positive information, those children will naturally go and figure it out on their own.

How many generations of kids figured out sex in the backseat of a Chevy? The difference today being, a trip to the doctor and a shot of penicillin for an uninformed sexual mistake will not get rid of HIV/AIDS.

In fact, study after study has proven that a child who is educated and comfortable with their body and their sexuality will abstain from inappropriate sexual acts. I call it being sexually self-confident. As well, I believe it is just plain smart to have kids well versed in sexuality before they go off into their Much Music world.

Educating a child about sexuality starts at age zero and is a continuous dialogue that runs through to when they leave the parent's care. The best ages to talk to kids about serious sexual matters is pre-teen at about 10 to 12. At this age they are curious enough to want to know and still look at their parents as the best source of education. After the age of 13, most kids refer to their friend's opinion and not their parents.

When speaking to kids about their sexuality remember it is so much more than biology. Please do not misinterpret. A lot of much needed sexual self-confidence comes when a child can anatomically name all their body parts and not have to use wee-wee to refer to their genitals. It is also a great help that they know exactly how a baby is created; for them to be comfortable in condom use to ward off pregnancy and nasty STDs; and to be fluent in all the birth control methods that are available to them.

However, a good portion of the parent/ child sexuality discussions should center around the awkward and absolutely critical questions. For example, common email questions to me from teenagers are: "when will I know I am ready to have sex?" or, "how can I talk to my partner about using a condom?" or, "I don't want to but I don't know how to say no."

I get as a parent these are tough conversations to have with a person who has a young mind, an adult body and a whole lot of hormones speeding along in overdrive. Yet, an honest discussion and appraisal of a child's sexual maturity is so much better than the possible ill advice of the child's best friend.

In the end I am glad that parents and teenagers are asking questions. Luckily there are many books and websites that give solid information to help everyone along that zany sexual journey into adulthood. It also helps parents filter out misinformed articles that can only cause them unnecessary worry.

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