Dr. Trina E. Read's BLOG

Week #18: Six Month Sex Challenge—Being passive-aggressive feels good in the moment

Being passive-aggressive feels good in the moment, but it only makes things more difficult in the long run.

Lesson I learned from last week: If you’re having a difficult time communicating, there are tools like A Private Affair game to help you start proactive communication.

This is a good news and bad news week

The good news…I’m into my skinny jeans (holy cow!)

I couldn’t believe it. Emboldened by seeing my clothes looser around my childbearing hips I thought, “Why don’t I see how far I can bring my skinny jeans up my thighs.” I pulled them up and did up the button—I can even breath and sit down. Genuinely astonished!

The bad news…I’m only human

My passive aggressive side came out this week.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been hearing soft murmurings from my husband, “Well, I only get sex once a week….” It then escalated to, “I only get sex once a week, and it’s always what you want to do.”

I did attempt to have the proactive and constructive conversations you’re suppose to have in these moments. They sort of worked, but he kept on complaining.

So I did what I usually do when I’m really mad: dig in my heels and become extremely stubborn. “If he wants to have sex,” I thought to myself—without consulting him of course, “he’ll have to make it work.”

Oh, did I mention that in the same breath where he’s complaining, he also casually reveals, “I’m playing hockey four times this week, three times at night and once during the kids weekend nap.”

Since I’ve started this sex quest, I’ve had a devil of a time trying to figure out times to have sex. Between two little kids, my husband playing hockey and my complete disinterest in waiting until after 9:30 p.m. to have sex, it’s been a real juggling act to figure out a good time.

Alas, passive-aggressive girl just sat back and said, “Okay hot-shot, you want sex more than once this week, go ahead. Make it happen.”

Well, it didn’t happen. Not even once.

Do I feel better having made my point? Not really. I find in these moments the lack-of-communicating-around-a-sensitive-issue mess I’ve made still has to be cleaned up the following week. When I go to clean it up, it’s an even bigger mess. Never worth it.

Now, I’ve got to try to have that conversation with my husband. Sucks to be me.

Six Month Sex Challenge: Week #19—Finding my G-spot

Six Month Sex Challenge: Week #19—Finding my G-spot: is it possible during the 15 to 20 minutes allocated to sex? Nope.

Lesson I learned from last week: During the first year after baby, it’s inevitable the amount of sexual frequency will decline. It’s better to discuss it beforehand rather than deal with the “We’re not having enough sex” mess afterwards.

Eden Fantasys.com (http://edenfantasys.com) suggested I try two of their products

(1) Tango III (* see product description below)

(2) Earthly Delights Gift Tin

The G-spot

I’ve done countless interviews and written extensively about it. Every single time I’ve given a seminar someone will inevitably raise their hand and ask about it. For the life of me, I can’t figure why people are so fixated on finding the G-Spot.

Perhaps the fascination is that it is so elusive. That in our instant gratification society it’s not something that can be found instantaneously. That even though I have met hundreds (maybe thousands) of women who report having a g-spot orgasm, scientists are still debating whether it really exists.

So for the record…once again…here’s the condensed low down about the G-spot. Not all women can have a G-spot orgasm; this is due to your biology not whether you are amazing in bed.

If you go looking for the G-spot, chances are you’ll never find it. Huh? If you’re the couple who says to each other over dinner, “Tonight we are going to find the G-spot!” March into the bedroom and take a look around, chances are with the pressure and tension you won’t find it.

While it’s true that you need to understand how your body works and the sensations that go along with having a G-spot orgasm before it can happen, every woman I’ve spoken to who’s found her G-spot found it by accident. Huh? That is to say, she was so juiced up and into the sex that her body was able to naturally (and organically) release into that pleasure.

Do G-spot vibrators like the Tango III really work?

A cautionary yes. Do your best to find your G-spot with fingers or intercourse positions (fun!); it will take a little longer to figure out but ultimately you will have better control over your G-spot orgasm.

Vibrators brings blood to the surface which makes that area more sensitive. So if you find your g-spot using a G-spot vibrator, your body will be used to the intense feelings and it will be more difficult to achieve the same results with fingers, penis or dildo.

Using a vibrator is a last resort; or something to speed along the process once you’ve figured it all out.

My thoughts on the Tango III

Fun Factory is a really (really!) lovely product line. The Tango III is everything good that a quality sex toy can be and something that will be in a toy chest for years.

Did the Tango III help me find my G-spot? Well, given that my sex life is a rushed “quick the kids are sleeping” 15 to 20 minutes, as well I’m still breast feeding which makes intercourse (for me) uncomfortable. No, not even close. However, this little beauty will be waiting in the wings for when intercourse is back to normal.

My husbands thoughts on the Tango III

He gives it an 8/10. Feel it is a very well engineered and thought out toy: turbo charged option (yowzers!), light where the controls are to help you see, sleek style. He would have preferred to use it for what the way it’s intended…c’est la vie.

* Tango III

The Tango is a sleek, modern looking dual stimulator made with a plush, forgiving silicone that molds to the shape of your body and is incredibly easy to manipulate. It's thick but not huge, very user friendly, great for nearly all anatomies.

Week #17—Six Month Sex Challenge:Let's Talk about Sex

Week #17—Six Month Sex Challenge: Talking about sex is incredibly important; but talking about sex is awkward and can put a couple off of sex.

Lesson I learned from last week: Shower sex just got a lot more fun with shower sex accessories.

If I had a nickel…

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said, “Great sex starts with great communication”, well, I’d be retired to the Bahamas by now.

Most couples know this to be true. I believe most couples do want to have an open, honest and transparent communication with their partner. However, proactive communication is tricky at the best of times. Over the long haul, it gets muddled with couple shorthand, ego landmines and eyes glazing over when certain topics are brought up.

Communicating effectively doesn’t have to be difficult; it just takes both people committed to making it work. The problem usually lies with how can a couple start the process.

A Private Affair Game

I came across this game called A Private Affair (*see description below) and thought it might be one way for couples to start communicating about their sex life.

The instructions say, “Although you can play this game at home, or almost anywhere, we recommend that you first take the game with you for a dinner date.”

Dinner date?!? Like a date night? Gosh, that’s something my husband and I haven’t done for probably a year. So I asked my mom to take care of the kids. Showered and dressed in my few grown up clothes—which are so incredibly out of fashion that wearing a paper bag would (almost) be more in style. Drove to my favorite restaurant where I met my husband (he pulled my chair out for me…I just about fell over with confusion.)

So far, so good. Next set of instructions. “It’s best to play the game slowly, throughout an entire meal; (main course and dessert!) So, after your food has been ordered, discreetly place a small pile of cards face down on the table where both of you can reach them.

Putting the cards and notepad on the table wasn’t as awkward as I thought it might be. Asking the questions, though, was a mixed bag.

Each card gives a thought provoking question which is a double edged sword, as you really have to think about your answers. This is good because it makes you think about your partner and your relationship. Yet, for each and every question: my husband and I started with raised eyebrows as we read our card; an exhalation of air as we thought; and a confused, “I’m not sure how to answer this…”

Granted, neither of us come up with a snappy response at the best of times; add to this my constant low level hum of exhaustion and even making sense of some of the question was a bit tough.

One question sparked some good conversation; the others questions, not so much.

My Thoughts on A Private Affair

Loved, loved, loved that we had an excuse to go out for a date night. Really a lot of fun and much needed.

If you are a couple who is having a difficult time talking about sex, this could be a good game for you. Suggestion: You can pick a card every day, think about it and then bring it up with your partner later on.

This game won’t make you horny for sex; yet it will enable you to get more comfortable talking about sex…which, after a bit of practice, will definitely help in all areas of your sex life. The effort will be incredibly beneficial to your long term sex.

My Husband’s thoughts on A Private Affair

He gives it a 6/10. He feels the cards create a contrived conversation that create a lot of awkward moments. He also feels that the more he played the game, the less sexual he felt. He believes that much talking is far more appealing to a woman than it is to a man. (Which got my hackles up but he has a point—women, generally, like to talk; men show their emotions in a more physical way.)

A Private Affair Game (http://blog.aprivateaffairgame.com)

* The enticing game for two! Invigorate your own “private affair” through provocative conversation; deepen intimacy as you share secrets, plans and promises. A game played in so many ways; slowly while enjoying a romantic dinner or over coffee, or a “quickie” on your cell phone or during a five minute drive in the car!

(This blog is dedicated to Dean Wilde who died this week. RIP)

Week #16 Six Month Sex Challenge: Shower Sex is even better with fun shower sex accessories!

Lesson I learned from last week: Being a new mom isn’t what zaps my libido; therefore supposed pills and potions that help arousal probably aren’t going to work.

Ode to Shower Sex

Oh shower sex how I love thee. You’re fun, easy, convenient…and quick (because sometimes there is only a tiny bit of time when both children are napping and sex is possible.)

I love being lathered all over with yummy smelling body washes and a girly-loofah. Feeling the warm water cascade down my body—I always hog the water and my husband (who knows he is going to get sex) is more than happy to accommodate. Bodies all slippery and slidy against one another. I’m clean before, during and after.

Throw in some Pink silicone lube that’s discretely hiding behind the shampoo and you have yourself one fun sex party! There’s really nothing I can say against shower sex, other than if things get a bit vigorous, there’s a chance of slippage. And now even that is but a distant memory.

Shower Sex Just Got Better!

Just imagine then ladies and gentlemen—drum roll please—shower sex just got better! Yes, it’s really true. Sport Sheets (http://sportsheets.com) has come out with an incredible line of shower sex accessories. Thank goodness this challenge was a perfect excuse to try them out.

Although Sportsheets has a complete line of shower sex products, I only asked for three things: the Dual Handle, the Single Locking Footrest and the Vibrating Sponge (*see product description below).

All of the handles lock securely in place with two heavy-duty suction cups. They’ll stick to any smooth surface—glass, tiles over four inches wide, fiberglass—and once you’ve pressed them into place, you simply push down the levers on each end and they’ll stay there for as long as you want them to.

The products look like something that would go into a shower so if you ‘forget’ about them and your kids/ mom/ friends see it, they won’t have a clue that they are meant for sex.

My thoughts on Shower Sex Accessories

We have the perfect sex shower in our downstairs; however, because it’s made of small tile the handle and footrest couldn’t suction. Major bummer! We had to use the upstairs shower and the first order of business was to remove all the kid’s (mood killer) bath toys.

Next was putting up the accessories which I let my husband do. It’s super easy to attach and we both had fun hanging off the dual handle just to see how strong it was. I really liked the footrest and can see me shaving my legs with it at other times.

Having the added leverage and handle to grab did make a big difference to sex. It made sex feel much safer and therefore allowed me to get more into the sex. Plus there’s a lot more opportunity to try different positions or ideas.

I’m really pleased with this line and want to get a few more products for future showers.

My husbands thoughts on Shower Sex Accessories

The only tricky thing about this product line is figuring out ahead of time where to place the handle and footrest. So my engineer minded husband thought (all week) where they should be placed in the shower. His placement ideas were alright but needed to be tweaked. His engineering ego was a bit bruised so he didn’t give the product a rating. (I told him he needs to rethink the placement for the next time we have shower sex—which placated him.)

You can find these products at Sportsheets.com.

* Single locking footrest

Works great to provide optimal angle for intercourse. Perfect for personal grooming of those hard to see areas, as well.

* Dual Locking Suction Handle

Large handle with 2 lock-down suction areas secures to smooth surfaces. Add instant leverage and achieve perfect positions in your shower or bath.

* Vibrating Sponge

Soft, sensual sponge with channel for waterproof bullet vibrator (included). An elastic strap snuggly fits hand to help keep it right where you want it.

Week #15 of the Six Month Sex Challenge: New moms probably aren’t suffering from low libido, so ‘cures’ to help low libido aren’t going to work.

New Mom = No Sex Drive

Lesson I learned from last week: Porn can be a fun once in a while treat…I just have to find some porn that I like…

Where Did My Sex Drive Go?

Every single piece of my clothing is covered in snot, spit up and drool. My two kids are sick this week which means that they neither are sleeping at night and both have diarrhea. (I’m sick too but that’s irrelevant.) The last time I got four hours of straight sleep was 2007.

Throughout my day, I’m simultaneously trying to meet work deadlines and keep my toddler from clobbering my 5 month old. Doing 1001 mind numbing tiny chores that once accomplished, need to be done again the next day. Even though I’m back to my regular weight, I can barely look at myself naked in the mirror.

At night my husband and I sit at the dinner table, trying to make conversation—and sometimes we do—but mostly we’re too busy accommodating the children’s demand for attention. There’s always someone screaming, barking (my dogs), crying, fussing, or needing to be breastfed.

Finding time to have sex, some weeks, is the act of sorting out an intricate puzzle of four people’s diverse itineraries. My husband said to me this morning, “I wonder if Tiger Woods understood how difficult it is to have sex with two little kids. Maybe that’s why he cheated.” Nice!?!?

The thing is, this week is the norm and not the exception.

Is There a Magic Sex Pill?

It makes sense then that many new moms feel they have a low libido and search for a ‘magic pill’ to help get them feeling sexual and sexy. In fact, every year millions of women spend billions of dollars on spurious libido enhancement pills, creams and other unproven treatments.

If you’re a new mom two things:

(1) You, most likely, aren’t suffering from a low libido, rather an overload of everything else.

(2) To date there is nothing on the market that has been FDA approved that will help a woman to feel sexual. A new drug called Flibanserin shows promise, but still it hasn’t been FDA approved.

After seeing bogus libido product after bogus libido product on the market, I got a press release for Zestra (*see product description below). After looking at their website I thought, “What the heck, I’ll give it a go. See if it really does get my girly-parts all perky and ready for sex.”

My thoughts on Zestra

Zestra was tough to review. On the plus side, the “Essential Arousal Oils” are all natural (i.e. Primrose Oil, etc.) unlike some similar products on the market. It did produce a lovely warm and tingly effect that lasted for 45 minutes. However, it didn’t help to get me more in the mood; nor did it make it easier to achieve a clitoral or vaginal orgasm (as its advertising alludes).

Verdict: It’s a nice product that can give your vulva a happy little ‘pick-me-up’ boost. And sometimes in a hectic day, that’s a good thing.

My Husband’s thoughts on Zestra

There really wasn’t anything for him to say about the product. He apparently didn’t feel the same warm, tingly sensation even though there skin to skin contact.

* Zestra is a safe, patented blend of botanicals oils and extracts, created to help women feel more — effortlessly. Topically applied Zestra works within minutes by heightening your sensitivity to touch – for deep, pleasurable sensations, sexual satisfaction and fulfillment. After applying Zestra to the clitoris and labia, the effects – the Zestra Rush™ – begin for most women within 3 to 5 minutes and last for up to 45 minutes.

Week #14 of the Six Month Sex Challenge: A little porn

Week #14 of the Six Month Sex Challenge: A little porn can add a lot of spice…it’s finding the right porn to suit your taste and values.

Lesson I learned from last week: Even though get my fill of intimacy with interactions from my children, it’s important I keep a solid intimate connection with my husband. And making that connection is so much fun.

It’s Time to Try Porn

To end the “All-about-my husband’s-Valentine-month-Sexpalooza”, I decided to give him a little porn treat. Pirates 2: Stagnetti’s Revenge, is a porn spoof of the movie Pirates of the Caribbean. It’s a four disk “collectors” set and has received a lot of positive hype.

Oh Those Crazy University Days

When I was in university, my male roommate published a swinger magazine. Part of his magazine’s editorial was reviewing porn; so there was always a porn movie on at the house.

(Once I came home to find two naked women wrestling in vegetable oil on my kitchen floor who were being photographed for the mag’s cover shot. All I could say to my roommate was, “I hope you’re going to clean this up!”) That time in my life seems so surreal now.

Watching that much porn then and during graduate school makes me rather ho-hum about it. Viewing a porn with my husband hasn’t been that exciting (for him) because instead of me getting all hot and bothered, I’m too busy commenting on other things—like lighting quality, set construction and whether actors are wearing condoms.

Porn…what a touchy topic with women

Feminists (loudly) proclaim that porn degrades women and uses them as objects only for the pleasure of men. Too many women automatically give a thumbs-down to watching a porn flick without trying it out for themselves.

What do women porn actors think?

While attending graduate school, some of my classmates were former porn actors. I’ve also spoken at sex trade shows and have met my share of porn leading ladies (and men). Every single one of these women in no way feel exploited. They, in fact, think they are the true feminist because they are able to express their sexuality as they want and aren’t suppressed by society’s narrow definition of what is appropriate sexual conduct.

Porn Pros and Cons

Admittedly, there are some not so great things about porn that the media tends to obsess about. Yes, porn—especially internet porn—can have detrimental effects for males who show obsessive compulsive tendencies. Yes, there is some hardcore stuff out there. Yes, porn tends to be male-centric.

However, there are also a lot of good things to be said about porn. And for the majority of the population, a little soft porn can add a bit of spice and fun to your sex life. More and more, porn producers realize there is a solid market of women who like to watch porn.

So, perhaps it’s time to try porn. If you try it and don’t like it, fine. But at least give it a couple of, heartfelt, tries. You might be surprised that it turns into a fun once-in-a-while treat for you and your partner.

My Rating on Pirates’ Porn

With all the hype surrounding Pirates 2, I was disappointed. On the positive side, it’s the best ‘movie’ porn I’ve seen—the acting is so-so, but come on it’s a porn flick. There’s a strong story line, drama and some pretty funny one-liners. But when it got into the sex scenes, I must confess it wasn’t my cup of tea. The sex was too edgy, very male-centric.

Sigh. I really wanted to recommend a good porn for women to watch but this wouldn’t be it. I promise to look around and find something better. Stay tuned—I will find something before the end of this Six Month Sex Challenge.

My Husband’s Rating on Pirate’s Porn

Two ratings again this week. 7.5/ 10 for it being a, “movie with sex scenes” with great special effects. 5/10 for the sex scenes. He felt it was “jack rabbit sex” and the actors were way over the top enthusiastic during sex. He much prefers porn where there is a connection between the actors and the sex is more sensual. (Ya’ see ladies, guys aren’t automatically turned-on by big breasted, skinny-arsed naked women having sex on a screen.)

Week #13 Six Month Sex Challenge: Intimacy has been shifted to my baby and I need to create it with my husband.

Week #13 Six Month Sex Challenge: Intimacy has been shifted to my baby and I need to create it with my husband.

Lesson I learned from last week: Male masturbation toys are a positive alternative for couples in ‘dry’ periods of couple sex.

What is Intimacy?

Too often people assume that the word ‘intimacy’ has to do solely with sex: saying things like, “Let’s get intimate tonight.” When I appear on some TV shows, the producers ask me to substitute the word ‘intimacy’ for ‘sex’ to make the segment ‘kid friendly’.

Intimacy is in fact a deeply shared connection to another human being. Sex just happens to be an easy segue to get to intimacy. We have intimate moments all the time with people who we are closest to: children, parents, friends, spouse.

Intimacy with my Baby

Mother Nature made sure moms are hardwired to ensure their newborn is safe, healthy, happy and well adjusted. As such, a woman’s entire physiology and brain chemistry changes once giving birth. Add to this the time and attention women invest into the mommy/ child(ren) relationship, it’s really a no-brainer why they experience profound intimacy with their child(ren).

There have been many moments—when I’m not tearing my hair out—where I feel an absolute soul quenching connection to my children. It’s an incredibly potent hit of feel-good hormones.

As I’m getting my fill of intimacy from interactions with my children, my husband, meanwhile, sits in the wings waiting for me to throw him an intimacy bone. It’s not that I don’t want to share intimate experiences with my husband or that I don’t feel I have the capacity to take in any more of these wonderful feelings. Plain and simple: I’m already intimately satiated.

But I want to stay happily married

Happily being the key word here. It’s incredibly important to have at least a few pockets of well remembered intimacy with my husband. Yet between being screaming busy and bone retching exhaustion, trying to have couple intimate moments is both fickle and tricky.

That’s where Embrace comes in

I L-O-V-E the Embrace board game (*see product description below). When I do lectures I schlep big boxes (ugh!) of this board game to sell because I believe so strongly that it can help a couple to achieve a deeper level of intimacy.

I’m really glad that we get to play Embrace because we need to nurture each other.

My rating on Embrace

My husband, who must categorically follow the rules, read out the instructions which were all about ‘setting the mood’ with soft music, candles, wine. Lovely, lovely rules.

I watched as he went about following the instructions and, among other things, he put on Diana Krall. Gosh, I haven’t listened to her since my first son was born and was immediately lulled into a dreamy state. We decided to go with the “Lovey Dovey” (first level) because I wanted to create romance and intimacy.

It was really, really fun and worthwhile. Highlights include: him doing a striptease (laughed my arse off), a slow dance, and being blind folded while a feather tickler was traced all over my body. Heavenly.

I can’t say enough good things about Embrace. Every couple should have it in their toy chest.

My husband’s rating on Embrace

8.5/ 10 for creating romance. He loves how it is a balanced mix of: helping couples talk; doing fun activities; and trying new ideas. His favorite part was remembering some great times we’ve shared together.

Here’s Dr. Brian’s Forever Pleasure.com three picks for us to try:

(1) Duet Cock Ring

(2) Tenga Flip

(3) Embrace board game* Embrace is a sensually stimulating board game for lovers. Players move throughout the board revealing sexually intimate thoughts and feelings, and performing erotic challenges with one another. The game can be played on three different levels: Romantic (Lovey Dovey), Sexual Intimacy (Close Encounters), and/or Hot Sex (Sexstacy). Sue Johanson, host of "The Sunday Night Sex Show" and "Talk Sex With Sue" put Embrace in her Pleasure Chest (the highest rating for sex toys) and said "playing the game encourages you to reveal those innermost thoughts. Thoughts you’ve maybe been wanting to share, but were nervous or shy about telling your partner. And you’re given erotic challenges, like ‘blindfold your partner and lick them all over’. I liked the game. I think it could help deepen a couple’s intimacy – and that’s always desirable."

Week #12 Six Month Sex Challenge: Men deserve to have a toy of their own in your adult toy chest

Lesson I learned from last week: Using the vibrating cockring made my perineum feel great.

Praise His Penis!

Yet Another Chaotic Week…

Had my parents visiting this week—Valentine’s week…a very, very busy week for me—and my newborn is teething, etc., etc., etc. All I can say is after this flat-out crazy week, thank goodness Dr. Brian recommended the Tenga Flip—I needed the laugh.

The Parent Libido Dampener Effect

Had to wait until my parents left before I could have sex. Nothing zaps my amorous mood faster than my parent’s sleeping in the bedroom directly below me. Yes I’m 41, grown up, and married but I still feel like I’m 16 years old sneaking around. This is topped only by my mother-in-law’s guest bedroom where there is a picture of the Virgin Mary, hands clasped in prayer, serenely looked down at us. Even a sex expert has her limits.

Dr. Brian’s Penis Advice

Before we get into the Tenga Flip, I wanted to share a wonderful Dr. Brian tip you can use to brighten your man’s Valentine’s Day: “Praise his penis”. Men love, love, love it when you tell them just how wonderful their penis looks. May seem silly to some women—at least it did to me when Brian first told me—but it’s 110% accurate.

Try it. You will be pleasantly surprise at how your man walks around like a prize peacock for the rest of the day.

Masturbating Pet Peeve

I’ve met countless women who aren’t that interested in sex after baby. That’s perfectly fine; it can take up to a year before her hormones readjust themselves. But these same women get their panties in a complete twist if their husbands take care of their own needs in the interim.

Come on! Please don’t become the woman who says, “If I’m not going to enjoy sex than neither can you.” Him masturbating does not mean he doesn’t love you, or find you attractive, or is ‘cheating’. Masturbating is healthy and natural and men should never be made to feel wrong about it.

In fact, experts report that about 94% of adult men masturbate regularly. So it you want to help your guy out, there are toys on the market that will produce some extremely powerful orgasms.

That’s where the Tenga Flip comes in (*see product description below). It’s a funny looking device. Had to call Dr. Brian to find out how it all worked. After a brief tutorial, was really jazzed about trying it out.

How Did I Enjoy Tenga Flip

It was incredibly cute. Knowing he was in for a Valentine’s surprise my husband casually said, “Let me know if I should cancel a hockey game.” Cancel hockey??!?! Him playing hockey (four times a week) is sacrosanct. He must have been really, really excited about his Valentine’s Day surprise. His enthusiasm made me want to make it an even more special time.

When it came time to use the Tenga Flip…it didn’t quite work out.

In my defense it looks like a traffic light. As soon as I ‘put it on’ I started to giggle at the sight (I’ll let you come up with your own visual). Then I started pushing the three different buttons and the vacuum effect (which is a fantastic feature) started making all sorts of squelching noises. Sort of like really loud slurping. The giggles turned into full on laughter.

Needless to say, my husband found it really hard to get into the mood with me laughing my head off. So we went to plan “B” and had regular sex which was really quite fun.

Will leave the Tenga Flip for him to use on his own because it is a great male toy.

Husband’s Rating on Tenga Flip

He gives two ratings: 7.5/ 10 for a single male masturbation toy. He loves how it is engineered and how the inside feels incredibly realistic. He likes how it is easy to use and clean. 5/10 for using as a couple’s toy (to be fair, maybe next time I wouldn’t be laughing so hard and it could be something we could use together.)

Here’s Dr. Brian’s three picks for us to try:

(1) Duet Cock Ring

(2) Tenga Flip*

(3) Embrace board game

* The world's premier male sex toy Every inch of this high-end Japanese sleeve has been designed to give a male the most intense physical pleasure possible. Engineered with the likes of side ribs, quattro waves, lip flaps, and 3 buttons which control the pressure on different parts of the penis, this toy is sure to please. The case opens up and doubles as a drying rack so it is easy to clean and stays hygenic.

Week #11 Six Month Sex Challenge: It’s an all about my husband Valentine’s month—so we’re trying guy sex stuff.

Lesson I learned from last week: Learning to love my body won’t be as simple as buying a new set of lingerie. But at least I’ve made a start.

En extra special Valentine month

In honor of Valentine’s Day I decided to treat my sweetheart (that would be my husband) to three weeks of fun. It’s an all-about-him sex palooza.

Decided to get a male perspective on what men would like. Naturally called on my friend and Sexologist, Dr. Brian Parker, owner of Forever Pleasure an on on-line high end toy company. Dr. Brian is a tirelessly advocates and educates people on healthy sex toys. He has a ton of F-R-E-E information on his website to help you make the best educated purchases.

Here’s Dr. Brian’s three picks for us to try:

(1) Duet Cock Ring

(2) Valentine’s Surprise for my hubby (which I’ll reveal next week because my husband reads this blog and I don’t want to giveaway his ‘big surprise’) And all I can say to my hubby is—“Oh la la…just you wait!”

(3) Embrace board game

Decided to try the Duet Cock Ring first. I find the term “cock ring” bug me—almost puts me off the idea entirely. Maybe it’s because I’m a gal and I want sexual terminology to be more romantic. But, alas, cock ring is a perfect descriptor of what the device is.

What’s a cock ring?

A cock ring is a ring that is placed around the base of a man's penis, primarily to slow the flow of blood from the erect penile tissue, thus maintaining erection for a longer period of time. (I could have put a photo here of an erect penis with a cock ring at it’s base…but somehow I’m not sure how it would go over…)

Men love anything that makes their penis look good.

As well, it decreases male sensitivity so he will last a little longer. When you have a vibrating cock ring, like the Duet, his penis becomes like a human vibrator which ups the fun for both parties.

The Duet Cock Rick has the couple’s pleasure in mind

Made of incredibly stretchy elastomer with vibrating bullets on the top and bottom for his and her fun. The top vibe stimulates the penis and clitoris, while the bottom vibe stimulates his balls and her perineum. This smart toy can be used with constant vibration or on a touch-sensitive setting where it only vibrates when pressing against the clitoris.

So how was the Duet

I liked how the Duet stimulated my clit, but surprisingly, more so I really enjoyed how vibrations on the perineum. It was almost like I bumped into an long lost friend, “Hey, I forgot you existed perineum and you feel really nice. Must try to include you a lot more often during sex.”

Husband’s rating on the Duet

He gave it a 7.5/ 10. He really like that it made me happy. He also liked how it’s engineered with an on/off option or a touch-sensitive option. However, the elastomer was a bit too stretchy for him—he prefers a snugger fitting cock ring.

Make sure to do something special for your Valentine.

Week #10—Six Month Sex Challenge: Lingerie

I thought buying a cute bra and panty set would help me feel sexy again. It did just the opposite.

Lesson I learned from last week: Using the We-Vibe vibrator wasn’t as uncomfortable as I thought it might be.

So for this week’s it’s-about-me-this-week challenge, I decided to clean my underwear draw, and buy some new lingerie. thought it might be just the thing to get the “love my body” thing underway.

The Lingerie Draw

Since university—while living on spaghetti and adrenaline—I’ve had a draw full of beautiful, expensive lingerie. It cusped on obsession. And this was before the Victoria Secret took the world by storm.

In my twenties, I swore up, down and sideways that unless it had to do with period-panties, I would NEVER, ever wear cotton undies.

I would hand wash the underwear, fold it precisely and set it lovingly in the draw. There were always lavender bags scattered throughout to give a lovely fresh scent. It felt delicious every time I opened the draw.

When I first got married, it was incredibly fun to parade out the bra and panty sets. Sometimes in the morning, I would ask my husband, “Which set would you like to see on me tonight?” Knowing he would go to work and daydream about the underwear.

Then I got pregnant with our first child. The little wisps of lace panties quickly stopped fitting properly. I’m too pragmatic to buy expensive underwear to keep up with my temporarily expanding body, so I bought a ten pack of cotton pregnancy underwear.

After my son was born, my body had changed shape. Most notably, my already tiny breasts became saggy-raisins (ugh!) and most of my beautiful bras no longer fit. Slowly and with much angst, I started to toss them in the garbage. I started buying more cotton underwear because it was more convenient to wash and wear with a little baby.

Since baby #2, my once pristine underwear draw is now a dumping place. No gentle wash. No precise folding. No scented satchels. I take the underwear straight from the laundry hamper and dump it into the draw. Every time I open the draw, my guts clench because it’s such a mess.

Can the Underwear be a Metaphor?

Not to read too much into this, but I would say the underwear draw is a perfect metaphor for how I feel about myself and my body sexually.

I used to take care of myself and take pride in my appearance. Now feel I’m doing well by not walking out the door in a ratty pair of sweatpants.

Buying Underwear Should Be a Fun Experience

Went shopping for the underwear…with my two children. Bad idea. Very bad idea indeed. As my toddler lunged at each and every bra rack, I didn’t really have a chance to get a good look. Grabbed something that looked my size.

Got Home and Looked in the Mirror…

Got home and tried it on. It was difficult looking at myself in the mirror. At first I thought it was because I’m still a few pounds over my normal weight and look marshmallow soft.

But I realized while trying on the bra—while simultaneously picking crusty snot off my breast from where my newborn was feeding, and listening as my toddler excitedly pointed out, “There’s mummy’s vulva!”—that I’ve got a weird asexual mommy vibe happening.

In the end…

The bra didn’t fit well and the panties were too tight and scratchy—or maybe the panties did fit well but I’m now used to how cotton panties stretch.

So this week’s challenge was almost a bust. I did clean up my underwear draw, and it felt good to open it and not see mess. Maybe this is the first step in the slow process of feeling sexual again.

My husband’s rating on the underwear

Was so discouraged while trying on the underwear that I half-hazardly tossed it into a nearby laundry basket (and promptly forgot about it). My husband, naturally, found it. Came and happily asked, “Did you do that on purpose? Just so I could find it ‘by accident’.” Men! Never did end up doing a fashion show for my husband. Too insecure.

Week 9— The Six Month Sex Challenge: The We-Vibe is a freakin’ marvelous sex toy!

Struck with The Baby Blues

I suppose I’m lucky. I’ve dealt with mild depression for twenty years. Managed by an on-going regime of eating well, exercise and understanding what is happening (rather than fighting it).

With this baby I’ve had a touch of post-partum depression. It comes out suddenly—mostly when I’m exhausted—stays a little while and then goes away. My world hasn’t been turned upside down because I’m used to depression; it’s more of a hugely inconvenient blip.

Still, the feelings of despair, hopelessness and anxiety are, well, what they are. I’m so busy just trying to get through those particular days in one piece that there is nothing left to give to my partner. In fact, I need him to take over.

Here is yet another obstacle to add to the long list of things that make sex after baby complicated.

Sex? Really? This Week?

This is the first time since I started this Six Month Sex Challenge that I really couldn’t stand the thought of sex or anything it takes to create intimacy with my partner. I refuse to feel guilty about it—because the guilt can easily send me into a depressive tailspin.

HOWEVER, the research/ scientific part of my brain kept nagging at me, “In for a penny, in for a pound.” This would be a perfect opportunity to experience first hand whether the potent mix of happy-hormones secreted during sex is the elixir to help curb this depression.

So there you go. Sex in the name of science.

How Was the We-Vibe?

So this week is about my husband and Sue recommended we try the We-Vibe. (*See below for Sue’s other recommendations.)

We’ve tried the We-Vibe before baby and loved it. However, this time I’m dealing with my breastfeeding dry-vagina so I wanted to see if intercourse would be uncomfortable.

Well, it was better than I expected. With plenty of water based Pink lube (never use a silicone toy with silicone lube) it was actually bordering on pleasant. Although initial entry into the vagina was uncomfortable.

Getting a bit technical here…I believe (an educated guess) the vibrations from the We-Vibe on both the clitoris and vaginal wall were able to bring blood to the surface and help the overall vulva area to become aroused quicker.

Woohoo! Is all I have to say about the We-Vibe! (And it was invented by a fellow Canadian.)

What about the Post Partum Depression?

I did feel a spike in happy feelings for about a half an hour. What I didn’t expect though was my husband post-sex left me lingering kisses, cuddles and touches for the rest of the day. That affection really did a lot to help keep away the depression.

Husband rating on We-Vibe

He gives it an 9.5/10. He believes the We-Vibe is the best sex toy he’s ever tried. He thinks it good sharing toy for both the gal and guy. It’s not a threatening type of phallic shaped and it’s really easy to use. (You must understand my husband is SUPER analytical and critical about EVERYTHING—I can’t believe he actually gave a 9.5 rating.)

Thanks Sue for your great suggestions.

* For those who might have missed Sue’s suggestions, here they are again.

1) We-Vibe II

The We-Vibe 2 is worn while making love. It inserts putting pressure on the g-spot and the bottom sits against the clitoris. Here's the kicker, you wear it during penetrative sex. The We-Vibe is hands free, strap free and wireless. Created from medical grade silicone, the We-Vibe is soft and conforms to the female shape, making it comfortable and easy to use.

2) Jimmy Jane Massage Candles

3) Pink Water

(She also likes Tracy Cox’ Sex Decks, and anything Lelo.)

Week 8—Six Month Sex Challenge: The best foreplay EVER is day dreaming of a warm all-about-me massage.

Lesson I learned from last week: I will need to use plenty of silicone lube to make intercourse comfortable while I’m breastfeeding fulltime.

The Magnificent Jimmy Jane Candle

Warm massage oil being dribbled onto, and lovingly massaged into my tired naked body. This was the thought that I’ve been fantasizing—perhaps obsessing—about all week.

Was thrilled that the owner of A Little More Interesting recommended the Jimmy Jane Candle (*see her other suggestions below) and it was my ‘job’ to try all of her recommendations.

As it was a challenging week—what’s new?—I needed the fantasy to get through. My computer got a major Trojan virus (who are these nasty people doing this malicious stuff?); I’m finding pee all over as my toddler figures out potty training; and the house is on a rigorous morning schedule so I can write my next book Sex After Baby.

All of it manageable as I kept reading the Jimmy Jane Candle description: “Light AFTERGLOW and use it as a candle, then blow it out and drizzle it on the body. When heated, the wax liquefies into high-slip massage oil that softens and hydrates the skin. Great while lit, even better in the dark. More than a candle, it’s an encounter.” Made me tingly all over.

Setting the Mood 101—A Refresher Course

The day of my glorious warm massage I wanted it to be a special evening. I thought, “I’m going to make a nice supper for us.” Then as 5:00 rolled around, I had the chance to look in the mirror—major frump girl. Put on some we’re-having-company clothes, a little makeup and earrings. Husband came home and I gave him an affectionate kiss.

After I put my toddler to bed thought, “I’m going to light some candles.” Somehow found six tea lights on the top shelf of closet and dusted them off. Inspired the warm mood of candles, I went into my closet and pulled out a negligee set. Slipped it over my head…and it was snug…but still able to pull it over my ample booty.

ACK! Looked down and my legs looked like they belonged to a gorilla. Madly dashed into the bathroom and shaved my legs.

Vibrating with excitement, I found my husband who had somehow lulled our newborn to sleep—thank god! Did a little twirl in my negligee as he admired me—while simultaneously giving me an update on how he was fixing the Trojan virus. (Truly grateful I have him to fix my computer, but come on, this is an all-about-me moment.)

I led him to the bedroom. Just before we stepped over the threshold, he stepped in some missed toilet-training toddler pee (honestly, my house is not a pig sty). Took a couple of minutes to clean it up.

How was the massage?

I am happy to say that I was not let down. Having the warm wax drizzled onto my back was the closest thing to erotic I’ve felt in months. The scent of the “Fig Leaf” was lovely—not too sweet or over powering. And the wax didn’t leave a stain on my negligee or sheets.

The massage felt so heavenly that there was a drool spot on the sheets. Felt so relaxed and happy that I wanted to reciprocate—so I gave my husband a mini-massage.

Besides the mad dash to the bathroom to dehair my legs, setting the mood was easy and fun. Overall very lovely and much needed experience.

Husband rating on Jimmy Jane Candle

He gives it an 8/10. He loves the fragrance and the sensations of the warm massage oil.

Next week, it’s all about my husband and we’ll be trying Sue’s recommended We-Vibe.

* For those who might have missed Sue’s suggestions, here they are again.

1) We-Vibe II

2) Jimmy Jane Massage Candles

3) Pink Water

(She also likes Tracy Cox’ Sex Decks, and anything Lelo.)

Week 7—Six Month Sex Challenge: Pink vs. Pink Water Lubricant. I need to use a silicone based lubricant, and lots of it, while I’m breast feeding.

Lesson I learned from last week: Trying to get sex back on track only highlights what wasn’t dealt with before the baby was born.

Breastfeeding Making Intercourse Uncomfortable

After my last blog post about not knowing whether to carry on with this challenge, I had to sit down and do a lot of hard thinking. Actually, it was three days of bouncing between bouts of crying and angrily asking myself, “Why does this have to be so difficult? I just want to have sex.”

Had some heart-to-heart chats with my husband. Cleared the air and decided together how we wanted to go forward. But then later in the week it came time to initiate sex and I didn’t know if I was going to face rejection, unresolved couple issues or what. So, as per usual, I held off until the very last minute.

Advice from the owner of A Little More Interesting

To help this challenge along, I asked will be asking other people in the sexuality field for their best advice for new moms. My favorite Calgary based mom-friendly sex store, A Little More Interesting (http://alittlemoreinteresting.com) gave her top three mommy sex products.

Here’s her list:

1) We-Vibe II

2) Jimmy Jane Massage Candles

3) Pink Water

(She also likes Tracy Cox’ Sex Decks, and anything Lelo.)

Because I’m breastfeeding fulltime, lubricant is an absolute essential as intercourse can be uncomfortable—I decided to go with Sue’s recommended “Pink Water” lubricant first.

A walk down memory lane

I’ll never forget my first son’s six week postpartum checkup. As my OBGYN inserted fingers lathered with KY jelly she said, “The might feel uncomfortable. Sometimes women’s vaginas go into a menopausal-like state if they are breastfeeding fulltime. This may make intercourse uncomfortable.”

Before having my son, I dolled this information out to hundreds of new moms. You see estrogen which makes for a nice juicy vagina, is being suppressed by the hormones prolactin and oxytocin.

Ironically, I didn’t expect intercourse to be so darn uncomfortable. And for the first six months intercourse was, at times, unpleasant until I stopped breastfeeding fulltime. So as excited as I was to initiate intercourse this time around, I was just as anxious about if I would have to endure another six months of it being uncomfortable.

On to the main event

When the time came to get down to business, I had both bottles of Pink and Pink Water lubricant out. Both lubes are really lovely. I can see why Sue recommends them so highly. The lube is light, not sticky and feels similar to my own lubrication. That said, I knew Pink Water just wouldn’t cut it for my poor old vagina. So I went straight to Pink which is a silicone based lube.

How was the intercourse?

Yes, this time around intercourse was uncomfortable. Sigh. Quite disappointed but I also appreciate that it will only be a few more months of fulltime breastfeeding. I used A LOT of Pink and it seemed to help. It just means we can’t have wild, hanging off the chandeliers intercourse (like that happens anyways) for a while.

Afterwards, as we lay in bed wrapped around each other—such a long time since we’ve done that. Had a feeling of complete peace. Really felt like all this icky couple crap we’re going through is going to work out. We are going to be okay; not perfect but perfectly okay. Best of all, we’re well on our way to getting our sex life back on track.

Husband’s rating on Pink

He gives it an 8/10—high praise indeed coming from him. He really liked how the product worked but felt it wasn’t as slippery or lasted as long as other silicone lubricants we’ve tried. (I told him it was a trade off because this product doesn’t stain sheets like some silicone lubes do.)

Click here to find out more about Pink and Pink Water and where you can buy it. Next week, it’s all about my husband so we’ll be trying the Sue recommended Jimmy Jane candle.

Week 6— Six Month Sex Challenge: Is good intention enough to help a flagging sex life?

New Year and a New Sex Life?

Week #6 Six Month Sex Challenge—Is good intention enough to help a flagging sex life?

Lesson that I learned last week: Our sex life will never be the hot crazy sex it once was; and yet we now can create something deeper and richer to take us over time.

Does the New Year really bring with it a new sex life?

New Years is a time to make resolutions with intent in order to change or transform ourselves for the better. Intention. Such a little word with such big meaning.

I came to the startling realization this week that my sex life has always been and always will be ruled by my intentions (a bit of a Sexologist’s “Eureka” moment actually).

For the last six years, my life’s intention was to have a child. This intention was so strong that, at times, I was blinded to all else.

Every month for the past six years has seen me at the stroke of ovulation having sex. As anyone who has done the ovulation sex thing over and over again can attest, it’s an all consuming endeavor. Then came waiting to see if pregnancy occurred—if it didn’t then there’s the inevitable let down. If pregnancy did occur, I was hanging on by my nails (barely able to breath) to see if the baby stuck.

After struggling (eleven miscarriages) to get my two children, I can see the zeal to have children, plus the usual couple challenges, plus my workaholic tendencies, has created a lot of bumps and bruises to my relationship.

Thank goodness the baby making chapter is finished. The next chapter in my life’s story is to give my relationship a big dose of TLC. It was the reason why I created this Six Month Sex Challenge: to make my relationship and intimacy a priority. But it seems what this challenge has really done so far is highlight all the relationship cracks that need mending.

Going into the challenge I knew getting intimacy back would be a little complicated. However, I’m the type of person that when I put my mind to something, I’m like a bull in a china shop. I am unrelenting and always make things happen in a big way.

But so far this pursuit to rejuvenate my sex life isn’t working. Yes, part of it is a lack of time; part finding a new sexual rhythm. But the biggest part is a (subconscious?) lack of trust that what we are trying to do will actually work. That once get our sex life back on track it won’t, once again, fall to the wayside. Neither of us wants to be let down.

It’s incredibly hard to have great sex when all these complicated emotions get in the way.

Which brings me back to my sex expert’s mantra: sex is so much more than sticking a penis inside a vagina. It’s about how a couple treats each other in and out of the bedroom. Being nice to each other. Showing affection. Not taking the relationship for granted. Making sure to put at least a little time every week into tending and maintaining the relationship.

Otherwise, as I’m ironically seeing in my own relationship, you end up after two kids having a hell of a time reconnecting.

So now it’s time to heal my relationship. My knee-jerk reaction is to move forward with my typical ball busting fierceness and simply make it work. My spidey senses on the other hand tell me that I need to tread lightly. I’m really at a loss as to how to make this work.

Perhaps it’s simply holiday-hangover blues but right now I’m contemplating not completing this challenge. Stay tuned next week to see how it all goes down.

Week 5— Two and a Half Christmas Stories

Lesson I learned last week: When I stretch myself too thin, I get snappy with my husband and, of course, I don’t want to have sex with him.

Two and a half stories for this blog. Both seem unrelated to my current sex life and, yet, both are integral to what is presently happening.

Story #1 ½

It was our first Christmas together and I was opening the first Christmas present from my husband. Unwrapping the clothing box, my heart sank. The tags on the garments read, “x-small”. I didn’t know how to tell him that I wasn’t an “x-small”, rather a “medium”.

Tentatively I said to him, “I’m not sure this top is going to fit.” Enthusiastically he replied, “I saw a sales lady about your size in the shop and I asked her what size she wore.” I was extremely flattered yet certain we would have to make the pilgrimage to the store to do a size exchange. I went to the bedroom to try on the clothes.

The clothes fit. Not only did they fit, they fit me really well. It had taken me 33 years before I discovered, thanks to my husband, that I am an “x-small” and not a “medium”. I remember wishing I could see my body through his eyes.

Fast forward seven years later to Christmas 2009. Was opening a clothing box from my husband; my heart sank as I saw the garment tag say, “x-small”.

I’m still ten pounds over my normal weight. I appreciate that in a few months I will be back to my usual weight but right now, it’s easier to hide my body behind ugly old sweats and stretchy shirts.

I didn’t know how to tell him that the lovely sweater wouldn’t fit. As I attempted to stick it back in the box he enthusiastically said, “Try it on. Try it on.” Completely depressed, I slumped to the bedroom while envisioning me ripping a few seams as I tried to wriggle the sweater on.

The sweater fit—yes it was tight, but tight in all the right places. Appraising myself in the mirror, I had to admit I looked pretty good. When I showed my husband, he looked like a hungry wolf ready to eat me up.

In that moment, I was taken aback that he saw me as a sexy and sexual woman. Right now, I look in the mirror and all I can see is frump girl—to be fair, it’s because I’m not making any efforts and I am a frump girl.

If only I could always see myself through my husband’s eyes, perhaps I would make more of an effort on my day-to-day appearance and I would feel more sexy and sexual.

Story #2

Boxing day and we’re at a skating rink trying my two year old’s new skates. There was only one other young couple on the ice. It’s obviously they are a newbie couple as they skate for a bit and then find an excuse to kiss and wrap around each other like pretzels.

As I watch them take a break on the bench, I fondly think back to seven years past when my husband and I sat on that very bench. Like the young lady, I had my legs draped over my husband’s lap, laughing and snuggling. We too were so very in love and we did not care who saw the PDA (public display of affection).

Seven years later, the love I feel for my husband as I watch him show our son how to skate is profound. I realize it’s a solid love that is intertwined with him being such a great father and him being utterly besotted with our sons.

Yet—because we always want what we can’t have—I wanted to taste again what those young lovers felt. To be kid’less skating on the pond, stopping every few feet to kiss and caress. To sit on the bench and be in our own little make-out world. To know as soon as we get home we’re going to rip each other’s clothes off and have some amazing, mind blowing sex.

Back to reality. We pack up our kids to go home, knowing we’re going home to make snacks and start lunch. Being able to have sex that afternoon was highly unlikely—a spontaneous romp resulting into mind blowing sex a complete joke. I glance back at the young lovers and then ahead to my family—momentarily caught in between.

I move forward to my family. Realizing that I could always find a new lover who would give me those feelings of abandoned passion; but I could rarely (if ever) find a solid enough love that could carry me through the rest of my life.

Sincerely wishing you a happy holiday season.